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Christmas

Around this time I always get sad
It's normal for the last 4 years
Christmas just isn't the same anymore

I miss the way it use to be.
I miss how christmas use to make me feel
Like I was a little kid
and like it still had magic

It was her FAVORITE day
of all time
no other day came close in her heart

It was music
and movies
and family
and food
and presents
and laughter

it was all it was suppose to be
and more

Now its bought
Wrapped
and forced

There's always tears
I always get lonely
and I always miss the way it use to be

My friends have become my family in recent years
So my happiness lies in whether I see them
They make sure I'm not too sad
The make sure it's still special

I never cried more then that first year

I miss my mom
And this christmas is ready to suck
What do you like to do when you can't get to sleep?


I put on movies and hope that my obsession will lull me into sleep, that the voices and dialogue that for the most part I know by heart will send me into gentle slumber, and if not at least I have something to do. Or I write my novel in my mind, I figure out what comes next but that tends to be the reason I can't sleep because sometimes I just want t write it out instead of just think abut it.

The Unanswerable Question Mark

So this is my story, tell me what you think, should I edit it? Does it need a lot of work?


The Unanswerable Question Mark


There are some days that stay with you forever. You constantly watch them playing like a movie behind your eyes, and you can't stop the images from playing no matter how hard you try. You see them from every possible angle and you turn them around to try to solve them. Because maybe if you can solve the puzzle within then the movie will stop haunting you. So you replay it over and over again, hoping that the solution will come to you soon.

Normally I would try to work it out on my own, but this ones hard, so I'm going to tell you the story and maybe you'll be able to help me figure it all out.

The day was like any other, watching a movie at home hoping to escape the heat the of the sun, a normal day. My mom was lying down, she wasn't feeling well, i checked on her before the movie started and she was fine.

The next thing I know I'm being told to let the paramedics in downstairs, and I'm leading them up to her.

I never really knew what I was suppose to do, what do you do in that situation? I tried to stay calm, she had to wake up right? She was going to keep fighting, make it through and it would be one more story or event we would have shared together. She was my world, she would never leave me.

But she did, the paramedics spent forever or maybe it was mere minutes, seconds perhaps trying to save her, me. To no avail, she left us that day. I was a mess on the inside, and my heart was in a million different pieces, but I needed to tell everyone, I needed to notify all the other people in her world that she was gone, and I was privy to the whole thing.

"Captain Useless" as I so lovingly nicknamed my step-dad lived up to his name, he was a mess, crying and hoping I would, I don't know take care of him? I don't know, he was never there for me unless it was to tell me I was useless or make me feel bad when she was alive, so now that she was gone and I could finally be free of him, why would I even tolerate him?

He left me the job of calling my aunts and uncle telling them that my mom was dead, gone, never coming back.

From the beginning of the week, once we were sitting down planning the funeral, and packing up her things, there was no will but he was letting us have "everything" because we were her kids and he decided we should have them. No will meant that he would receive all the insurance money, and in the beginning it was the same about her stuff, "I don't need all the money" he would say "You three should split it" That changed quickly though, it went from you have it, to we'll split it to him inviting us to see this building he wanted to buy, "It was your mothers dream" he said as if we never met the woman and were learning of her from him.

And walking through this building, this building that was repossessed by the bank from like the Japanese Mafia, was a hole, it had a funky smell, and I knew from living with "C.U" for so long that it wasn't going to become anything, he was an alcoholic, he would always be one because he refused to admit it was a problem. This is what was going to happen, he was going to drink the money, or he was going to get this building and then for the year it was paid for he was going to sit on his ass and drink, and the only time he was going to move would be to get more beer. That was how this little adventure was going to go.

So I flat out said no, I wasn't going to be a part of this. I refused to be a part of him tarnishing her name, or her "dreams" just so he could manipulate me into screwing up my life by following the ideas of a drunken idiot. It wasn't going to happen, I was finally free of him, why would I sign up to be stuck with him in my future?

As I was walking through the building I could sense my mom with me, and she was inside my head laughing and disagreeing with everything he said about how she would have been on board with buying this building. We had similar thoughts her and I. You knew we were mother and daughter.

After he went to the bank and bought the building, he told us we could all be partners, that way the three of us would be more powerful and in the end would be more accountable because we wouldn't care if he went down with the ship but we would fight tooth and nail for each other to stay afloat, so he decided that we would all be equal partners, but then there was a catch, we weren't allowed to be faxed the lease, we were just suppose to blindly sign our name of the dotted line and trust that it was a good deal. So I mean I told him that i would read it, and if I liked what I read I would sign, but only if I could read it first. So once I was told that I wouldn't be able to read the lease, or know what I was signing, I said no.

I think you have to understand what happened in order to understand my theories, so stay with me I'm sure I will eventually get to the point, just be patient.

So I never signed, neither did my sister, my brother however is another story, you see growing up, our mom made us promise her a few things. First off she wanted us to promise to cremate her, because she didn't want to be in the ground with the worms. Second she wanted to be with each of us, she wanted us to share her urn, make sure that each of us had our time with her. And thirdly she wanted us to make sure "C.U" was okay and that we would take care of him.

I couldn't deal with that last one, he made my life hell while he was in it, and if she wasn't around anymore then he wouldn't be either. That was a simple decision for me. No more her meant no more him. So I was ignoring that request, and my sister was living her own life before hand and so she was ignoring that request but on her end it was more I don't live here it doesn't make sense. So it was our brother that decided not to ignore the request, to buy into it all and humor "C.U"

So we lost our mom, were fought for our memories, and then pushed out the backdoor when it came to any insurance money, he lawfully could have taken everything. We had no claim to anything. had he taken us to court he would have had everything. There were things I refused to back away from so in one respect I was glad it never went that far, but he wouldn't have let it because he would have had to spend some of the money he was getting on legal fees as opposed to this "dream" so he never would have let it go that far, he was just hoping we would back down and let him have everything he wanted.

I'm a stubborn person, I'm very opinionated, and I don't take crap from people. If I feel strongly about something you'll know, its just in my character. So I wasn't going to back down especially not from him.

So I lived with my mom my whole life, there was never a time that her home was not mine. And from the age of 9 when my parents split, we had always had time where we would be together just the two of us. We were mother and daughter, of course we would go shopping together or just drive around, we were always doing something. So when I went away for school "C.U" had her all to himself and I guess he liked it better then sharing her with her daughter, so when I came home in April he had decided that we weren't allowed to be alone, for more then like an hour a week, other wise he would get jealous. And it never made any sense to me, he had her for 8 months it was my turn to spend time with her, but no it wasn't allowed, and she just accepted it like that was the way it had to be. So I lucked out, my mom was going away on business for my birthday weekend, and originally she was telling me she was going to leave me with him, I then asked if I could go with her. There was no way in hell I was going to spend 3 days alone in the apartment with just him, one of us would be dead by the time she came home, and I can tell you I would still be standing. He hit my last nerve when I was 12 and I was turning 19 that week. So I went with her, and it was just the two of us for 2.5 days, and that was when she got sick.

At the time we just figured it was the difference in air quality, that she just wasn't use to the smog or maybe it was the lack of smog, we just figured it was different, and it must be what was wrong, because I was with her and I was healthy. So when we got home and it didn't go away, she was still thinking it would get better, so three weeks go by and she is still sick, so finally she decided to go see a doctor, because she wants to be better, to feel like herself again. So she went to the hospital and finds out she has phenomena. She chose to leave the hospital and go home, he let her go home, he let her decide that going home was better for her, because he thought it would cut into his time with her, or because he would have had to share her with other people, or maybe because he wanted her home with him. I don't know, all I know is I was sitting at home scared out of my mind calling my brother and sister telling them to come home because she was sick.

But he let her come home, he allowed her to go against the doctors wishes, the experts.

When she first died I had convinced myself that it was my fault, because I was her daughter I should have saved her. She looked to me to make her happy, it was my responsibility to make sure that “C.U” didn’t leave. Its ironic, the one thing I wanted was the one thing she put to me to make sure didn’t happen. Because in her mind she couldn’t survive without him. She couldn’t support both herself as well as me without him. Meanwhile he was the reason for most of our money problems, and when push came to shove I would have laid my life on the line to make sure she stayed afloat. And thats what I did. I put aside my happiness and I stayed with her, knowing that I wasn’t strong enough as a person to allow him to be a part of my life, every day he was around was a day that nothing I did was write or good. Because he couldn’t understand that I loved her, or that I was still around her. Not because of who she was but because his kids wanted nothing to do with him, and he thought it was universal, like that was how it must be for everyone because it was what life was for him.

I have no real relationship with my dad, but I still love him, and I will never give up on him no matter what he says or does to me, and "C.U" could never understand that. He figured that he was better to me then my dad so I should think of him as my father. And because that was never going to happen, he spent his life resenting me. And my feelings for both my parents.

When she died I blamed myself until one day it was like all the pieces fell together. It was him, his fault. “Captain Useless” He killed her, maybe it wasn’t intentional but when you put all the pieces together, it forms a plan, and maybe I watch too much TV or maybe just too many movies, but I don’t trust people, everyone has their own agenda, and when you put the pieces together the only person who benefitted from her death was him, because there was no will he got everything, and he was able to essentially block us out of any decision when it came to her. We forced his hand and certain decisions and he allowed us to for some things, but maybe it was all a part of his master plan all along.

I’ll lay out the pieces and you can decide for yourself.

Two weeks before she died he threatened to leave, like I would care if he gave me some ultimatum that I would see the error of my life and beg him to stay, he never understood that I didn’t care about him, I wished he would hit me every day of my teen life, because I had it figured out if he hit me then either mom would throw him out, or I’d tell my dad and brother and he would be thrown on the street. So I hoped he would leave, except her, I cared if she was happy and even if I knew she would be a lot happier without him, she loved him and “needed” him in her life. So I put up with him. But I made sure he knew it was for her, that I never cared if he lived or died.

So that was always suspicious to me, how do you threaten to leave because of the love of your life's daughter expect her to chose you over said daughter, and then she dies and you act as if your world has ended? I just never understood, I mean if you love someone you hold on to them. You treat them as if they mean something. You stay with them.

And on the day she died we were both asked to leave when the cornier arrived at the apartment so he could assess the body, I don’t really know, all I do know is that when she died I wasn’t allowed to leave the room she was in, I left the apartment once, and that was to take money out and buy a phone card, so I could call people and tell them what happened. But because it was summer and we had no air in the apartment, the paramedics didn’t cover her body, and they wouldn’t let me escape her, I tried to go to my room so I wouldn’t have to look at her grey face and know that it was gong to haunt me for the rest of my life. I had to stay in the same room as her, and so when the cornier arrived and asked us to go out in the hall I readily agreed seeking freedom, and when he was finished and he told us we were able to go back in I choose not to, so he then asked “C.U” about an autopsy and he opted for no, I have so many questions from that day and it would have been great to have answers, why she died. But I’ll never know, and in the movies and TV the killer is always found out through the autopsy, so my theory is he killed her and hid the evidence by saying no, and then we cremated her because it was what she wanted.

So there’s no real answers in this just really speculation, and when I started this I was going to prove he killed her, because It’s been four years this coming July, and I thought I could prove something, like catch her some justice, because she would never leave me without a fight right? She loved me she would never just give up. He had to have been a part of it all.

But in the end I think its giving him the power, or the brain power is more like it. I can stand here screaming at you to believe me that he killed her and its all in he facts, and sure if anyone could have kept her in the hospital it would have been him, so in a way it could be construed into being his fault. But saying he came up with this big master plan gives him a brain. And to be perfectly honest I don’t think he’s smart enough to come up with a plan so perfect and actually pull it all off.

So in the end it all worked out for him, he got all the money, and most of her possessions, and he even managed to pull my brother down with him for a few months, until he smartened up and got the good sense to leave “C.U” to destroy himself just like he did to everyone else in his life.

I’m still broken though, and without being able to truly blame “C.U” I’m left lost, because I can’t blame her for leaving because it couldn’t have been her choice to end her life, But how do I know he didn’t wait until the absolute last second possible to call for help, or how do I know he didn’t I don’t know hold a pillow over her face and then after he knew she was gone then call 911.

How do I trust in his story, where she told him not to go just yet, and then she stopped breathing, why wouldn’t she ask for me? Or maybe she did, maybe it was like he said it was but she asked for me and he didn’t want to share her once again. So I missed out on her last moments because he was selfish, because I see him doing that, keeping her for himself so he could have the last moment, and leave me with the clean up.

I want to hate her, I want to blame her for leaving me, for giving up. And thats when I want to say it was him, that he is the one to blame not her, never her. Blame yourself, blame him, blame the doctors or the paramedics, blame the world, but don’t you dare ever blame her. But sometimes I blame her, she didn’t try, she gave up. She chose death and left it to me to clean up after her. And its when that thought emerges in my mind that I know she never meant for this to happen, because she would have hated knowing I was left to pick up the pieces, she knew I was strong enough to handle picking everything up but she had to have known how it would change me. Knowing what I know, knowing the events of that day and watching them play in my mind over and over again like a movie that will never stop no matter how many times I hit eject. Knowing that I would look to find the answer to the unanswerable, there is no way I will ever know the real truth, I can speculate I can theorize until I’m blue in the face, but until I meet up with her again in the after life I will never know he truth. But my questions will never stop.

I will never be able to walk away from this question. I will never just decide there was nothing I could have done, because she was my mommy. and it doesn’t matter if everyone in the world tells me that it wasn’t my fault or that there was nothing I could have done, or that I will never really be able to know what she was thinking or feeling in her last moments I will always carry that day with me, I will never escape it, It will always be shrouded in mystery for me, the unanswerable question mark will always follow me.

nervous

So I had a weird mood day today, and its normal to be loopy right? But I had a major all day long case of the dropsies and the spillsies And in a slightly bad mood the whole day maybe it was because I was tired but I don't think it can be blamed completely on that fact. 

I submitted a story to a contest and I'm nervous about it, I wont find out anything until the end of June, so it will either be a cool birthday present or it will turn into nothing. I had some people read it and tell me what they thought, and I only heard back from two people, I don't know if its bad, or if its good. I'm super nervous about it. 

So Sad

 So today I watched last nights episode of Grey's Anatomy, and I was pumping my self up, knowing that the Calzone part of the episode was going to be at the end, and I kept telling myself Shonda said they were MFEO so she's not going to break them up, even though I know in my heart that is where the story was going. And yes Super sad now, almost cried, yet I decided to make myself suffer but re-watching their scene multiple times. I don't know if I was hoping for a better outcome or if I just lost killing myself. But even now, its been about an hour since I last watched the scene and I can feel the tears behind my eyes. They are threatening to fall, and who knows it might be the mood I've been in these last few days or its the way I feel about Grey's or about Callie and Arizona but I can feel the tears, and I'm really hoping they resolve this game changing decision by the end of the season. The Season Finale is a GAME CHANGER right? well that would change the game I think, if it was all fixed by the end.

Writer's Block: Dinner's on me

If you had to serve a meal to an ambassador from another country that symbolized your country's culture, what would you choose? Do you think s/he would love it as much as you do?

Easy answer is Poutine, its the Canadian meal, Fries gravy and cheese curds so melty and delicious

Writer's Block: Book based

Is there a book you really loved that was subsequently turned into a movie? Did it live up to your expectations? Why or why not?

The Harry Potter books, and some moments for the most part are fine, but the book as a whole? No they leave out way too many things that I believe are important for the series and I wonder what they will do to keep it going for the series, plus they decided to make the last book 2 movies and I'm wondering how this is going to be.

Writer's Block: First and only

Is there a film that you think is perfect in its original form and should never be remade?

The answer to this question is super easy

Princess Bride

Hands down on of the best films should never ever be remade, another one is The Neverending Store, the first one

Poems

 So I'm a poet at heart, I've been writing poetry since I was in the 9th Grade and it always helps me get through the shit of real life, so I figure in the interest of being honest here of all places I would post a few. 

Here goes. 


Everything
By Allison. L. Bowyer
9/10/2009

I want to write a smile
And paint a picture in your mind
I want words to have power

The power to show you truth
And beauty

The power to show you who I am
I want you to know me 
Inside & out

I don't want to lie to you
I don't want you to have expectations

I want to be your everything

I wrote that poem for my cousins wedding. This next one I wrote for my Poppa just after he died I was trying to write my eulogy and I just couldn't get the words out so I wrote this. Havent really shared it with many people.

My Poppa
By: Allison. L. Bowyer

Life and death of it all
It feels different now
Like he's not gone
But also not here

I love him
I always will
Always looked up to him
He was my grandpa
My father figure
The only man I could ever count on

And he's gone
And I can't bring him back
I can't save him
I can never talk to him again

I will never get to hug him
Never get to hear him laugh
Never tell him stories
Or hear his
Never see his smile
Or have him teach me anything ever again

I can't believe it's real
It's like one minute he was here
Completely healthy
Then he was sick
And then it's like I blinked
And he was gone

I wanted to say goodbye
Muster up courage
To see him one last time
To say goodbye
To hug him
Tell him I love him

He was always trying to protect me
Make sure I was happy
He was always looking over at me
Making sure I was smiling
He wanted me to find love
Wanted me to et out more

I miss him so much
It seems like everytime I get close to someone 
They die
I spent 8 months away at school
Missing my mom every day
Only to finally come home and have her die 3 months later

So I moved in with grandma & poppa
I love them so much
It was different this time though
I was living with them
Getting back on my feet
I was there for 3yrs
Poppa became my rock
The only man I have ever been able to trust
Count on to always be there
And I'm away from them for a year and a half 
And now my world is split in half again

I'm not a complete wreck this time
It hurts
Yeah
But this time I knew it was coming
This time I'm not shocked by it
I'm in shock
A little still
But not shocked that it happened
If that makes any sense

Mom was sudden
Poppa almost seemed prolonged
I mean sure one minute he was healthy
The next he was sick
And now he is gone
But still
I got to see him a few times in the many stages

First he was just sick
Then it turned out to be cancer
Then it was progressively worse
Then he was on oxygen
And the next minute instead of going home to say goodbye
We were going home because he'd passed on and I wouldn't be anywhere else
Then it was home once more for his funeral

And now it's like everyday
I have to say goodbye again
Everyday I either
Hear his voice in my head
Or see him in the grocery store
Mesmerized by the faintest hint that I could be dreaming
That he could still be alive
Then the man I saw
Looks up
And I know the truth once more

I feel like everyday I'm reminded
That he's gone
Everyday I get
To relive how I felt
And everyday it gets progressively worse

I wasn't allowed to be weak
I wanted to let everyone know that I was a mess
That I wasn't taking his death okay
I would hear a song on the radio and think of him
I would feel sad
And remember how he would always push my cheek up
And tell me to smile
That he would want me to be smiling not crying
But the mere thought of not mourning him
Makes me sad
He was the best man I ever knew

He taught me that I should be treated well
That I shouldn't settle for anyone else then perfect
That the boys job is to pick me up and drop me off
That no matter what if I was ever stranded
No matter the time
That I could always call him
He would be there

He wanted me to go to sleep at a decent hour
And wake up to experience the day
That I should get out more
That I should be happy
That at work I should always be early
And always give 100%

He was my teacher
My friend
My rock
My saviour
He was my Poppa

I added to this after the funeral, it never felt complete until I found my ending. Its been a few months now and I still miss him like crazy. 

Tags:

Really Shitty day today

 So I had a super uber shitty day today, totally feel like the world is trying to off me. How many times can life attack you until you catch on?

So to start off this morning at work I hurt my back, now I have a bad back and it hurts all the time and it wasn't as bad as it could have been so I'm at least grateful for that, but then the window on drive thru closed on my arm so my arm is scratched up. And I hit my head on a display case getting up after grabbing something for a customer and thankfully that was all, but i'm still a hurtin unit and I don't understand how one person could be that unlucky in one day in the span of a few hours? Seriously who the hell did I Karmically piss off that I'm getting my punishment tenfold?

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